Sunday afternoon I had a total meltdown. With the end of summer holidays and Matt returning to work, the reality hit me of the endless hours of utter emptiness I have ahead of me.
I found myself really wanting to fall pregnant, or at least adopt a dog. The need to care about something bigger than just myself and my attempts at creating a new life. So, as it is quite normal for me, the tears came fast. I was having trouble putting the duvet cover back on the duvet, and it just came pouring out. Maybe I'm just not the type of person who can move to a new country and be successful in creating their new life. I loved being back home in Canada, and once again I have thrown all of that support, friendship & love aside, so that I can move to SWEDEN? WHY?? There have been so many hurdles. Not being able to register in the social system or open a bank account even though I have a working visa, trying to learn Swedish but not being allowed to attend the free Swedish school, finding work when you barely know a soul... I could go on.
Of course, this quest to create a new life also comes with the fact that I have not only moved country but I have also drastically changed career direction. A transition from finance to nutrition, and the reality that I don't yet know exactly what it is I'm trying to accomplish as a nutritionist. I'm not an experienced architect who has arrived in Sweden and just needs to learn the language in order to get a job. I am in the process of really recreating myself and there are so many unanswered questions. And some days, it's just fucked.
So I cried, Matt listened. Then he reminded me that I am ABSOLUTELY the person who is capable of creating a new life, in a new foreign country. I left Canada and did exactly that in Australia, it certainly didn't happen overnight there either. I can have a little extra faith in myself, because I have essentially been here before.
The tears passed and Monday morning arrived. I didn't get out of bed. I laid there reading Ruby by Cynthia Bond which is a PHENOMENAL read. Eventually I'd had enough so I opened up my computer and started writing follow-up emails to all of the inquiries/proposals/applications I'd submitted and people I'd reached out to before summer put everything on hold (the entire city of Stockholm literally just shuts down). I put myself out into a few new avenues as well. Then I closed the computer and hoped for a fucking miracle.
Today is Thursday. I'm writing this post as I'm having my morning coffee and will soon get ready as I have TWO interviews/meetings this afternoon. That's right. After nothingness, I finally had two replies, one from a cooking magazine and the other from a startup food tech company. THERE'S HOPE! I am so bloody excited I can't even explain. Matt & I stayed up very late last night putting together a BINDED portfolio of all the work I've been doing with The Glorious Kitchen. My food styling & photography, nutrition presentations, cooking classes, sample recipes, menu design and an eBook. I'm ready!
When Matt left for work this morning he reminded me to have fun with it today. I could tear myself apart into knots of terrified-ness, that one of the these things HAS to work otherwise I give up. But this part, this really fucking hard part, is the guts of all of this in life. This time when things are so absolutely scary, unknown and riddled with self-doubt. I have to go through this to get to the other side. So whatever happens today, it is okay. I do believe that things will work out as they are meant to, as long as you just keep trying.
JUST KEEP TRYING.
What have been your big hurdles along the way? If you'd like to share, please post in the comments below! Shan x x